Marriage is hard work. Add in the military lifestyle, and it’s a whole different ball game. Long deployments, extended work days, command demands, and even...
Marriage is hard work.
Add in the military lifestyle, and it’s a whole different ball game. Long deployments, extended work days, command demands, and even PTSD can wear on military marriages.
But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to create a healthy, loving relationship.
When you’re apart more than you’re together, it’s important to nurture your relationship in the moments you do have together.
No matter how many deployments or duty days come between you and your spouse, there are resources, tools, and techniques you can bring into your marriage to keep the relationship strong.
Here we share nine ways to keep your military marriage strong:
Marriage retreats are an excellent way to connect before deployments and reconnect after long periods apart. It’s best to participate before there are major problems in the marriage as these programs aren’t just for struggling marriages. You could also start your own enrichment program by reading self-help books as a couple or attending a community or church-based program. Each branch also offers free retreat options, too!
Each branch has retreats for couples:
Here are a few other retreat options to check out that aren’t branch sponsored.
There are a few stipulations for attending these free retreats, but the biggest one is making sure you sign up well in advance since these fill up fast. Another important requirement: one of the spouses must be active duty or in activated Reservist status.
Being open and honest is an important pillar of any strong marriage. It’s especially important when you are frequently apart from one another. By building trust and sharing honest feelings, it keeps communication paths open for the toughest of discussions. Have full disclosure of what’s going on when you’re apart, too. Don’t let issues fester as those hard feelings will come up later!
Ways to keep conversations honest:
Check out the app Love Every Day which offers a new question to ask your partner every single day. It encourages regular conversations which can strengthen your communication methods.
Money issues are cited as one of the top reasons for divorce. To keep money problems at bay, consider having a monthly finance meeting to discuss bills, debts, and payment plans. Talk about your goals and develop a budget together.
Ways to make money talks easier:
The more you talk about money, the more comfortable you’ll get with figuring out how to tackle debts and implementing smart spending habits.
Deployments are a way of military life. Since there’s no way to avoid deployments, it’s best to tackle deployment topics head on. Attending base programs focused on preparing for deployment can be helpful in connecting you to valuable resources that you’ll need when the time comes.
Before deployment consider:
When deployment comes, connect while separated as much as you can. It can be a frustrating balance of waiting by the phone while still living life as the spouse back home. Be prepared as the home-based spouse to share details on daily family events and stories. The deployed spouse will also want to share job details (following OPSEC, of course), including lively stories.
Military families may move 10 times more often than non-military American families, which can put extra stress on a marriage and family. Whether you’re moving across the state, the country, or the world, preparing together as a couple can make it easier. Don’t forget to use your on-base resources like the personal property office and reach out with any questions you may have about moving.
Minimize moving stress by:
Discuss the impact on the non-military spouse’s career, too. See if it makes sense to go back to school to train for a portable career. “Move friendly” jobs like nursing, medical assisting, and massage therapy can be rewarding fields that are available nearly everywhere. Don’t forget remote or home-based jobs!
Many military spouses find the routine their non-military spouse uses to run the household important to a successful marriage. Keep your routines as normal as possible during short deployments and longer deployments.
As you develop a routine, remember:
An amount of predictability reduces stress for married couples and military families. If you can develop a routine that works well for your family, stick to it! And remember that reintegration can be quite challenging when spouses return from extended assignments. It’s important to let military spouses take part in daily routines when back from deployment. This creates normalcy and helps them find their place in the family again.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re feeling overwhelmed. This can be at any time before, during, or after a deployment for either spouse. For the spouse back home, talk to family and friends. If you have kids, try to enjoy some time out having fun alone. Or ask friends or family for help around the house. For the deployed spouse, talk to a chaplain or friends if you’re having a hard time adjusting.
Getting help is ok. Here’s how to do it:
Returning from a warzone or any long period away from home requires an adjustment period. If you’re having a difficult time finding your groove as a couple again, seek therapy. Taking time to go to therapy doesn’t make you weak, and it’s a free resource you can take advantage of at any time.
As a couple you’ll need to make a lot of decisions together. When you’re apart, you’ll still have to make big decisions. The world doesn’t go on pause just because your spouse goes on deployment. Discuss as much as you can prior to deployment to plan ahead.
Some major decisions to make together:
One of the biggest decisions you’ll face as a military couple is whether or not the service member should reenlist. Never reenlist without discussing it with your spouse first. Those tax-free bonuses can be tempting if you reenlist while you’re deployed, so it’s important to make sure you’ve confirmed your spouse agrees those extra dollars are worth the extra years of service.
Perhaps one of the toughest lessons in marriage is that it takes two people to make it work. A healthy marriage won’t be one-sided. It takes a lot of patience and compromise, which undoubtedly gets a bit easier the longer you’re together.
Some core pillars of a strong marriage to think about:
Marriage is a blend of two different personalities, backgrounds, and people. When life gets hard, come back to the above core pillars and the reminder of why you got together in the first place. Take time to reflect and remind each other why you love one another. During tough times it can be refreshing to go through old pictures and wedding photos or videos as a gentle flashback of how you fell in love.
Being a military couple is a unique experience not everyone will understand.
While there are plenty of stressful moments you’ll have to deal with in the military, just remember that you and your spouse are in it together.
Surviving the tough moments are what can make your military marriage more resilient.
Try to embrace the fact that plans will always be up in the air. If you can develop a sense of humor, it makes it easier to get through moments that are out of your control. If you’re religious, hanging onto your faith can also help you manage trying days.
Above all? When you’re together, be in the moment.
Find joy in the simple things like making a budget together, cooking, and handling household chores. It all has to get done anyways, so you might as well do it together and enjoy it.
Happily ever after takes a lot of work. But when you invest in your marriage regularly with open communication, respect, and care, it lays a solid foundation for when life gets tricky.
What’s the best military marriage advice you’ve heard? Share in the comments below!
